Mary&Sue
by Cadaver Carnivorum
Summary: The magnificent twins go to Hogwarts. Of course they can't help fighting with each other over Harry...


Author's notes: Hello, I'd like to present you my very first fanfic. I'm planning quite a lengthy series based not only Mary Sue fics, but on parodies on them as well. You are welcome with your reviews, I would appreciate your opinion on my work.

Translator's notes: This fic was originally written in Russian, and this is my first attempt to translate rather lengthy streaks of fictional prose into English. I do hope that my humble effort to present this masterpiece in English wasn't in vain, and it shall be so if you, the readers, will burst into laughter at least as often as I did while reading. Please tell me your impressions in your reviews. I, together with Cadaver, await for them.

* * *

The doors of the enormous hall flung apart to show upon the threshold both THEM in all their glory.

The first was high, long-legged, wasp-waisted, with goldern curly locks hanging down to her waist and E cup breasts. She was sporting a short, thigh-length mini-mantle with deep cleavage and 4-inch spikes. The second differed only in the respect that her locks were the color of silvery moon and her shoes had tremendously high platform soles.

- I am Marianna Lioness Princess Caramelette! – announced the golden-haired girl haughtily.

- I am Susan Anaconda Black_Panther Serene Sailor Phobos! – the silver-haired girl echoed.

- Still watching Sailor Moon, littlun! – wispered Mary to her sis venomously.

- Still got more nicknames than you, Loch-Ness! – Sue replied, punching her in the side with her elbow.

All the hall stared at them, including Dumbledore. Nonsurprisingly – they had interrupted his speech.

- I am very happy to hear that, girls, - remarked the headmaster, adjusting his glasses, - but it is quite impolite to appear late on the sorting ceremony.

As soon as Mary touched the hat, it shrugged its brims and announced Griffindor. Practically at the same moment the girl strode to the appropriate table with incredible agility and swiftness, plopped on her curvaceous buttocks next to Harry Potter and started oggling at him. Contact lenses, playing all colours of the rainbow, adorned her eyes.

Having sat for a while on Sue's head with a delighted look about it, the greasy head-dress uttered in a rasping voice:

- I sense that you're bearing ill thoughts. You are plotting against your sister. (The hat's remark was not surprising: at that very moment Sue was looking on her idol and her sister next to him and grudging her teeth.) For this I shall send you to... Slytherin!

- What?! – wailed Sue.

Mary giggled maliciously and clasped Potter's hand.

Sue was sitting at her first Potions lesson and brewing a love potion. She often visited sites dedicated to Potter and Hogwarts so she knew the recipes of all known potions by heart. She was brewing a volatile variant of the potion which vaporised swiftly and thus produced a mass effect.

Feeling Malfoe's lustful gaze lingering on her, Cue turned back and shot out her tongue. She never liked this tow-haired youngster.

When Snape approached Sue's cauldron and, as luck would have it, took a deep breath, it became clear from his face that the girl would get staight A's in Potions. And also in Defence Against the Dark Arts, when Snape would undertake teaching it.

And after the class ended maddened Crabbe and Goyle tried to drag Sue into some nook in the corridors, with a transparent purpose. The poor guys quickly got acquainted with the steel-shoed platform and the art of karate, kung-fu and other scary words. Madam Pomfrey had to make a great effort to move them from the hospital wing after curing multiple bruises: the poor lads acquired a persistant phobia of beautiful girls.

Mary sat in the Defense Against Dark Arts classroom with a regal look and watched her Patronus, a huge sparkling sillhouette of a lion flying about. From time to time she, as if taking compassion, eyed the open-mouthed first-years. At the end of the lesson she got permission not to attend Defense if she wished.

Instead of a most dull Divination lesson Mary went to find somebody to teach her the art of Animagic. After an hour a giant eagle with golden wings left the classroom and noisily flew along the corridor, causing joy and fright amongst beginner sorcerers. When she sought out Potter, she toppled over (it actually was her first landing), grasped him by the hand and dragged into the Chamber of Secrets. One had to be at least a dragon, not a boy in glasses, to resist her with any chances of success.

It was also not surprising that both the first-year girls were admitted into quidditch teams. And that next year Griffindor and Slytherin teams entered the final and their game ended in a draw.

- Well, how is it going? – Mary asked her sister, when the girls escaped from adventures that kept pursuing them and made time to have a mug of butterbeer in Hogsmeade.

- So-so. – Sue shrugged her shoulders. – All the house keeps hitting on me, but all of them are somewhat small and spotty. We have taken the wrong year... We'd better have got straight to the sixth.

- As for me, I'm terribly bored. – Mary yawned. – I probably could do homework for a change... By the way, there's no need to sulk: your beloved Potter is a spineless whimp anyway. – the golden-haired girl wrinkled her nose. – If you ask me, hell with this Hogwarts!

- And who is going to save the world from Voldemort? – Sue inquired business-likely.

- I've presented the foureyes with my anti-magic mirror shield and a submashine gun, - Mary grinned smugly, - and also played "What not to wear" with Hermy. I'm not going to serve the rest of this term among the first formers for a doubtful battle and stale fame.

- Then let's go home?

- Home. – confirmed Mary, pulled some kind of remote out of her bag , took her sis by the hand and pressed the Big Red Button.

And at once the twins disappeared.

* * *

"Well, where's this singer-lady?" – thought Mary discontentedly, sitting in front of the monitor of some sophisticated device and tuning something. She was waiting for Sue to come back from a rehearsal she was attending. Sue was into professional dancing and singing, dabbled in amateur theatricals and also new a dozen languages. Mary, on the other hand, was a cybernetics major and was a marvellous engineer and programmer. It was this that allowed her to assemble her "Transworld-3000" from old computer spare parts in the summer cottage garage.

Mary was sitting in a metal chair with armrests and protruding bundles of wires, had an electrode helmet on and resembled a condemned on an electrical chair. She was fingering the keyboard buttons adjusting appearance, equipment and inventory of the figure displayed on the monitor. That was a tall, long-legged – as usual – doll in a seductive leather armor set composed of a tiny top and mini-shorts. Mary thought a little and adorned the high, sophisticated hairdo of the heroine (long hair down to the bum were, of course, beautiful – but she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy to feel them catch at each and every twig in the forest) with a fine golden diadem with emeralds... "No, let's play big!" – Mary clicked the button one more time, and emeralds were replaced by blueish diamonds.

At last the smaller door of the garage flung apart and Sue rushed in, out of breath. Her thin, chestnut ponytail was tousled, a silk scarf had unwinded and barely held, showing the girl's long, thin neck. She threw off her jacket and you could see the skinny, even somewhat anorexic figure. Her blouse hung loosely on her chest as if on a plank, despite the heaps of cotton wool she had stuffed into her bra. Yes, and by the way, her eyes were simply hazel.

Well, what did you expect? Having granted the sisters with such a plethora of talents, Mother Nature said to herself: "They've got enough!"

- At last! – blurted Mary hysterically. – Be quick or the time reserve won't be multiple and the tension will go bugging! Do you wish to get home a day later and get a scolding? – while saying this she hitched a bow, a quiver and pointy ears to her model.

Sue threw a bulky bag off her shoulder, plopped into the other chair, fastened the electrodes to her head and hastily started adjusting her image.

- I want to be an elf too! – she drawled, peeping into her sister's monitor. – How do I make the ears?

- You don't. Anyway Legolas shall be mine, - Mary snapped out decidedly while her sis was banging the keys feverishly. – Three, two, one, go! – the girl exclaimed and pulled the lever.


End file.
